So two whales are in a bar. The first looks at his friend and says: Aroooooooooorooohraaarrooooo Blaaaarroooooooooooooooeeeeeeheeeeeeeeeeeeedaaaaaaaroooooo Arooooooooooooohrooooaaaa.


The second whale widens his eyes a bit, leans back, and says: Damn, you ARE drunk.....


Seemed appropriate for a piece on Kiwi lingo.


I will leave the Kiwi accent for others to describe, if necessary I refer you back to the Beachedas piece I posted a couple of weeks ago. The accent developed in mining camps full of Aussies, Brits of all stripes, and American whalers trading for gold. So, of course, they created a patois which sounds nothing like any of those groups. We aren't better looking than other groups, we certainly aren't smarter than other groups, we don't have more reasonable gods or better general hygiene than other ethnicities. But white people do have two great balancers in their favor; an inborn affinity for guns, and the cultural imperative to make any situation we find ourselves in as difficult as possible. Thus, one could postulate that the Kiwi accent emerged out of a need to not handicap our children with easy lives.


No friends, what I will impart tonight is a bit of Kiwi vocab. Find herein the minimum survival-level translations to help make your next trip more legible, and your next 'flight of the conchords' party more authentic.


'Z'. This is not a Zee. This is a Zed. Do not forget that. Kiwis do not come from En Zee, they hail from En Zed. Calling it Zee gets you the same scornful, pitying look you receive when you call San Fran "Frisco" while actually being anywhere within 200 miles of the city.


'NZ'. Major cultural symbol which is apparently legally required to be applied wherever 'ns' would be used in communications, politics, or marketing. Split Enz are a grand example, but others abound. Kind of the local Uncle Sam iconography.


'Godzone'. Not Utah. Kiwi for God's own country. Which, of course must be NZ. Thus far I am inclined to agree.


'pakeha' (pah keh hah). Non-maori, though usually applied to those of European extraction, including Aussies and North Americans. Not an insult, unless you earn it.


'....... As!' A way of emphasizing any adjective or adverb. Sweet As! Drunk As! Broke As! Flunked As! Lame As! Loud As! Annoying As! Pitiful As! (I think I might have been living over Castle Street a bit too long to retain the necessary objectivity on this entry).


'Ute'. Still not Utah. A species of vehicle which would make all the die-hard El Camino and Ranchero drivers melt with ecstasy. Why these are not being sold as we speak on the corners of East LA is beyond my ken. Here is a Ute (utility vehicle):

'Starter'. Adjective meaning ready to go or eager. "He's a starter".

'GoodasGold' One word, pronounced quickly. Means grand, in good shape, or generally OK. For the most part you don't see much use of the thumbs-up symbol here, most likely because of our proximity to a slew of cultures that take that symbol in a very different way.

'GutsferGarters'. A person or situation which has deteriorated menacingly far from GoodasGold.

'Took to the blanket'. A pakeha who has left white society to join the Maori, specifically one who took a Maori bride. Surprisingly little stigma to this, actually as a whole NZ society is quite mellow about inter-ethnic mixes. Historically this has been the case, as long as you were male. If you were a white woman who left to join a Native culture there was a whole different set of terms for you which I shall leave for you to discover.

'Esky'. Cooler. Also called 'chilly bin'. Esky is short for Eskimo. When I asked if they called the banks 'Jewies' or the gun shops 'Honkies' I was met with blank, polite stares.

'bach' and 'crib'. Vacation cabins, and apparently the local determinant of suffrage. No bach, no vote.

'smoko'. Work break. No longer much smoking going on but this tradition is guarded and savored to a degree that makes me wonder if the place was settled by the French.

'Dairy'. Corner shop. Apparently all ruled by a vicious looking beast called "Cookie Time". Come and I'll show you what I mean.

'Rattle yer dags'. Hurry up. Comes from the noise the lengths of dried feces stuck to sheep's butts make when their host runs. Really.

'Cheers!' Thanks! This is a bit disconcerting to a yank. The experience of being toasted by people several dozen times a day without so much as a muggette of Coors to return it with wears on you.

'wop-wops'. The boonies, the sticks, the hillbilly havens.

'Jafa'. Just another F...ing Aucklander. Further evidence that residents of major cities are always held in high regard by their neighbors.

'Jandals'. Flip-flops. When I called them thongs I thought I was going to get a beating. Different idea of a thong, I suppose.

'Poms'. British. Not an insult unless you earn it.

Enough time distracted from my studies. I shall return with tales of Radio One, the Catlins, and the interesting uses they put churches to hereabouts. Until then, keep your esky dry. Or they start to smell funny.